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September 4, 2007

___ on a Stick

Visiting the Renn Faire over the weekend (following Hillary’s footsteps), I noticed a theme to things beyond medieval outfits and terrible Elizabethan accents:

Sort of a…trend?

I don’t know, maybe it’s the hand-painted signs. What do you guys think?

Why are we, as a culture, so enamored with things on sticks? It’s not simply in fair food; look at the humble chicken drumstick (or, if you must, the gargantuan turkey legs available at the Renn Faire). Kids fight over it; KFC markets it; everyone loves it. I guess it all comes down to the pleasure and convenience of one-handed eating. I mean, if you only need one hand to chow down on your frozen banana, think of all the stuff you can do with that other hand: drive! Write! Hold more food!

Pratchett fanboy that I am, I kind of want to see more “___ inna bun” foods show up at fairs. Then again, given how Pratchett describes those foods, maybe I don’t.

-Jim

Popularity: 5% [?]

August 21, 2007

Krispy Kreme, Your Time Is Done

I’m sick to death of Krispy Kreme. Have you watched the documentary wherein what looks to be about twenty pounds of frosting is somehow crammed into one poor little doughnut? Or eaten more than, like, half of one? Sure, they taste good, but by the third bite my stomach is winding up to punch itself so I can’t usher in Type-2 Diabetes any faster. In general, I find Krispy Kreme-style doughnuts–you know the kind, ostensibly “lighter” than cake doughnuts, but weighed down with three bajillion times more glaze and moisture–unpleasant to eat.

We need more cake doughnuts, man! Gloriously crumbly, moist but not soaking, the kind Dunkin’ Donuts used to make before they somehow ruined chocolate honey glaze forever! Starbuck’s giant glazed ring hit pretty close to the mark for about five minutes and then they realized shoddy mass-produced doughnuts were better; Dunkin’ lost the edge on everything but donut holes and glazed around the time of their unholy union with Baskin-Robbins. Now it’s up to the local bakeries to carry on the legacy. Fortunately there are plenty nearby; but any time I try to get a doughnut on the road and see Krispy Kremes leering at me through the gas station window I shake with held-back foodie rage. RAAAAGE!

You see these pictures, folks? These pictures are what doughnuts are supposed to be. And if you want them nice and gooey like that scourge from the South, all ya gotta do is microwave ‘em for about ten seconds.

Ideally we’d all fry up our own doughnuts. God knows there are recipes. But in the meantime, store owners, snack lovers, doughnut tycoons: cake! LET US EAT CAKE!

-Jim is terrifyingly passionate about his snack food

Popularity: 6% [?]

August 7, 2007

Like whoa

Okay, okay, so in the past I’ve roundly condemned overly-fancy cakes as annoying and expensive and an overall pain in the butt to eat. I even wrote an article last week about alternatives to wedding cakes. But if somebody made me a cake like this one, I think I’d have to change my mind.

Ever read the Discworld series? This here’s the titular disc on the backs of four elephants on the back of a cosmic turtle, in cake form, and aside from some dowels in the elephants and the wire arc for the orbiting sun and moon the entire thing is 100% freakin’ edible!

So I guess what this proves is, as long as you make your huge, complicated wedding cake a total geek-out, I guess I’m on board. Let me know when some enterprising baker builds a gigantic edible Wii.

-Jim admits he is a Terry Pratchett fanboy

Popularity: 6% [?]

July 24, 2007

Unexpected

I found a lot of cool stuff in unexpected places over the weekend–blasting the hell out of clay discs with a shotgun turned out to be one of the highlights of my young life, a sporting goods store’s kitschy (but staffed by really nice people) restaurant introduced me to delicious Buffalo meat–but coolest of all was the food in a little pub/microbrewery called Stockholm’s (which, unfortunately, doesn’t seem to have a website).

The ladyfriend and I were getting desperate by the time we hit up Stockholm’s. Geneva, while it had more in the way of restaurants, was charging a pretty penny for all that classy food (”Nothing in here below 28 bucks,” I lamented about a bar/grill with a plush leather waiting area). We’d filled up temporarily on ice cream and some nicely balanced chocolate-and-caramel-covered pretzels from the sweet shop-built-into-a-house on our way into Stockholm’s area, but now our stomachs were rumbling for something of substance. Dessert can come first, but that doesn’t mean you get outta eating the other courses!

Luckily, we recognized Stockholm’s from a previous walk through town and decided to check out the menu (helpfully plastered, as it was, to the window). Expecting your usual run of burgers and club sandwiches, we steeled ourselves for a choice between banality at the pub or high cost back in Geneva. I looked over the meatier sections of the menu while my vegetarian cohort looked for something less formerly alive. Hamburgers, steaks, chicken wraps, does every little microbrewery have to offer the same set of safe foods–

“Oh, we are going here,” she said, breathless, already starting inside. I quickly saw why: Gorgonzola-stuffed Gnocchi, combining her love of potatoes and her obsession with cheese. Lamenting my fate, I followed.

That turned out to be a silly thing to do, because I soon learned the pub was well known for offering a variety of non-pub food: the formerly considered Santa Fe Chicken Wrap was quickly abandoned in the face of Creamy Risotto with Fresh Scallops. NOM. NOM. NOM!

Halfway into my risotto I knew I’d regret eating the whole thing–it was so rich, so heavy, so buttery I’d say my tongue was dancing if that image didn’t totally creep me out–but damn it, I didn’t care. Four or five huge scallops, cooked to an ideal chewy state and so good I almost ate each one whole, topped the dish, and every time I considered putting down the fork they mocked me.

Didn’t help I had to keep sampling my date’s food, which just slightly topped mine. Gloriously fluffy gnocchi with an “oozy, oozy middle” of gorgonzola, all drowned in not-at-all-sharp vodka sauce. I tried combining a bit of scallop with the sauce (careful not to contaminate the main body of the dish with its meatiness) but these were two great tastes that didn’t go great together. No matter. I’d eat a scallop, cleanse my palate with water, and then demand a gnocchi. This continued until the ladyfriend refused to feed me any more.

Strangely, for a pub selling itself as a microbrewery, the place had some pretty bad beers. Just about every one we tried had an awful sour taste even I don’t usually notice in brew; our waitress explained that the beer was unpasteurized, which apparently caused the flavor shift. Eventually Sarah settled on an import hefeweizen and I enjoyed their in-house honey brown, too focused on our main courses to care much about the beverages.

We left fat and happy, I munching on some of my chocolate-covered pretzel and Sarah lapsing into a food coma. So if you’re ever in Geneva, IL, take a stroll down state street and look for the big metal vat!

-Jim, wishing he knew how to make that risotto

Popularity: 4% [?]

July 23, 2007

Where the Buffalo Burgers roam

You see this? You see this right here?

NOM NOM NOM. LIKE WHOA. FOR REALS.

I have tasted Buffalo, and it blows beef out of the water. This ultra-lean patty, served with fried onions and a dab of BBQ sauce–found at a Bass Pro shop restaurant, no less–may have been a little dryer than your average burger, but the flavor…every bite had me grinning dumbly, heedless of bun crumbs spilling down my chin (an awesome pose to strike in front of your girlfriend’s parents, let me tell you). I’ve gotta get my hands on some of this meat. Imagine the possibilities if I got it a bit fattier, cooked the burger with a little bacon, experimented with the bun. I could throw a “weird meat” barbecue with the guys from A Hamburger Today and grill up this, some Ostrich, and maybe one of those bacon burgers I read about a while back…

The coolest thing? For once, after finishing, I didn’t feel like I’d slurped down a grease milkshake. Too often restaurant burgers are an exercise in excess, and I dread the day that my umpteenth bacon cheeseburger kick-starts a tingling in my left arm. This burger left me full, happy, and energized. My only regret is that my beloved iPhone’s camera can’t do it justice.

-Jim, realizing if he doesn’t buy a digicam he’ll never get on Tastespotting again

Popularity: 6% [?]

July 9, 2007

I need an ice cream maker.

I’m rapidly turning into an ice cream snob.

First came the days of Breyers, whose classy (and actually minty) Mint Chocolate Chip made me turn up my nose at Edys’ green, nearly flavorless junk. Then Haagen-Dazs, with its rich vanilla and decadent caramel. Now I balk at anything less than Oberweis, in my opinion the nation’s finest iced cream (narrowly beating out Gilles Frozen Custard, mainly because of proximity).

And after seeing all these recipes for DIY sorbet, gelato, custard…I have to make some of my own. Meaning I need an ice cream maker. Meaning, unfortunately, I need to spend more than they charge for a shake at my local Ice Cream Shoppe.

Now, I’m not opposed to spending money on indulgences. I have a staggering DVD collection and I’ll be wasting $400 come September so’s I can play one game. But those things last forever! Ice cream doesn’t last an hour in my house!

Still, I must. A whole world of culinary experimentation and unnecessary weight gain beckons, yearns, cries “Smylie!” at night while I sleep–

Look, I’m not crazy, I just really like ice cream. So I need your help. Where should I start? What brands are the best? Do I go manual or spring for electric?

Oh ye all-known sages of confection (all of whom, like, totally read our blog), please give me some tips. Because I need to make this recipe as soon as possible.

-Jim, hoping he gets to try all these soon, too

Popularity: 6% [?]